Dawn, summer solstice. No meaningless arbitrary numbered date but a day to mark time. The druids have gathered outside the shed to watch the sunrise over the rooftops of the Tesco superstore at the far end of the Wragby Road allotments. Lincoln archaeologists believe that the ancient ceremony that accompanies the solstice predates even the building of the Tesco on its present site. We shall likely never know for sure as the vast tarmac carpark that surrounds the emporium prevents any serious investigative dig.
Last night a wild boar was sacrificed for the feast that always accompanies the solstice celebrations. The meat was steeped in a barbecue marinate using a recipe as ancient as the ceremony itself and reconstructed after much painstaking research with the help of the great god google. The resultant kebab, assembled with locally grown ingredients since identified as onion, mushroom, tomayto and red pepper, ingredients still to this day to be found in the fruit and vegetable section of Tesco, was roasted in the traditional way over fire.
The skills required to perform the sacred cooking ceremony are handed down through male druidic lines. The culinary task is accompanied by the consumption of, sometimes, large quantities of an alcoholic beverage. Two variants of this beverage have been identified as a type of beer known to have been brewed using the finest local hops, and a drink produced out of grapes grown on south facing Lincolnshire slopes and left for years to mature in wooden barrels built from specially selected oaken boughs.
The resultant dish has a slightly charred outside with a perfectly moist interior that together with a nice bit of salad is consumed with serious intent on the deck in front of the shed.
Revelries continue late into the night with the partygoers finally going to their beds after the ten pm conclusion of a rugby game, in which one team is dressed as lions, is broadcast across the Sky to practitioners of the ancient religion. The feasting will continue for weeks until the nights begin to draw in and folks withdraw to their home areas to prepare for the next round of ceremonials, the Autumn Internationals.
At this point, on the morning of the solstice, a druid is dispatched to make the tea. This ritual is celebrated all year round in households across the land. The tips of tender leaves of the tea plant are picked at dawn, dried and left to rehydrate in boiling water in a traditional ceremonial vessel known as the teapot.
The pot is then reverentially carried on a special tray for presenting to The Head Gardener for a blessing before being mixed with semi skimmed milk and sipped slowly in purposely procured mugs to the satisfaction of all concerned.
Ciao druidos.