Archive for the ‘ideas’ Category

brass coathooks

Wednesday, April 17th, 2013

We’ve all heard the saying “freeze the balls off a brass monkey”. Well in Germany they don’t have that saying. They say “it’s cold enough for you not to want to hang your coat on the brass coathook but keep wearing it instead”.

Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it but who are we to say eh? The brass coat hook displayed in the featured image of this post is one of a pair spotted hidden discretely behind a screen in the corner of a room at the Haus der Patriotischen Gesellschaft  in Hamburg.

That’s Hamburg, Germany, not Hamburg, USA where confusingly there appears to be more than one.  Clearly in the olden days where immigration from Germany to the USA was at its peak and the wild west was filled  adventurers of  Hanseatic origin the communications systems were not good enough for people to tell their fellow immigrants that, for the purposes of avoiding duplication,  they had already named one bit of prairie Hamburg.

Now you know. Don’t worry though, spring has finally arrived, I think. Just remember ne’er cast a clout until May is out, or whatever they say in Hamburg.

Ciao baby.

smokers die younger

Monday, April 15th, 2013

KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL

The jobslist

Saturday, April 6th, 2013

jobslistThere is something practical yet sinister about a jobslist. It’s all about control. String-pulling from afar. Whilst I say that it is also true that I won’t do anything if it isn’t written down. This stems from a time where jobs would be fired at me as if from a verbal machine gun. I couldn’t cope. Having finished one job another would appear. It was very dispiriting. A bit like climbing a mountain. You reach one rise only to find there is another ahead of you.

To avoid this scenario I began to insist that the jobs be written down on a list. That way I could gauge the scope of it all and apportion time as appropriate. This worked but I quickly found that having crossed one or two off the list, more jobs would appear. This was no different to the old way when nothing was written down. It was in effect an endless list.

I put a stop to that. No new jobs could be added until every one on the existing list was crossed off. That way a sense of satisfaction could be reached when all the jobs were done. New jobs could go on a new list after a suitable period of recovery. This intermission would also allow me to bask in the glow albeit short that came from completing all the jobs.

So whilst in one sense a jobslist is about one person controlling another it is also a means of control for the person doing the jobs.

The ten million piece jigsaw

Thursday, April 4th, 2013

Imagine this to be a ten million piece jigsaw, the work of a lifetime. You get to the end and find that one piece is missing.You would want to count all the pieces before starting just to avoid that eventuality.

On a further practical note this lawn must be a nightmare to mow.

Photo taken at the caff at Eastham Ferry on Easter Sunday.

Some fish products may contain bones

Sunday, March 31st, 2013

Just sayin’…

Backchat satnav style

Tuesday, March 26th, 2013

I often find myself talking to the satnav. If it tells me to turn right I say “OK then” etc. If I go the wrong way it doesn’t bat an eyelid. It just calmly tells me how to get back on the right track.

This doesn’t seem like human nature to me. Lots of people are more likely to say “Oh for goodness sake you’ve gone the wrong way. You’re going to have to go back to that junction” raising their eyebrows contemptuously.

You could have this reaction with varying degrees of contempt, or contempt that grows with each wrong turn – “bloody hell you’ve gone and done it again, you absolute moron”.

You should also be able to have conversations with your satnav. The technology is nearly there. It would be someone to chat to when on a long journey. “How far is it ‘til the next junction? Do you think we have time for a pitstop at the next services” etc etc

Remember I’m the ideas man – now sort it.

Station announcements

Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

I have just invented two new and different ways of making train announcements at railway stations. The ideas came to me when standing around at Kings Cross station waiting for my own train to be announced. Announcements for other trains came and went but not my own. I found myself saying to myself “that’s all well and good but it’s not my train and I am therefore not interested”.

The first idea is that you should only be able to hear the announcements that affect you. I have no idea how to go about implementing this idea but that’s not my problem. I’m the ideas man – someone else goes away and makes it happen.

The second idea is that the accent of the station announcement should reflect the destination of the train and each of the stopping points along the way. This came to me when I noted that “Hull” was pronounced with a decidedly “correct” English accent rather than saying “Ull” as they do in that part of the world.

So a train going from London to Aberdeen via York should have announcements that start in Cockney, flow through a Yorkshire brogue and end up with a strong Scottish lilt.

Och aye!

The river god and the god of the bridge

Sunday, March 17th, 2013

The river god lives under the old bridge at the narrow stretch of water just after the river comes out of the trees and meanders into the pleasant meadows of the valley below. The river god should not be confused with the god of the bridge who coexists under the bridge but is a different deity. The river god can roam up and down the river but the god of the bridge has to stay in the same spot.

The bridge was built by the villagers many years ago. It was well built of stone and brick and has stood the test of time. If anything its aged and weathered look improves the aesthetics of the bridge which is popular not only for the convenience it provides as a river crossing but as a picturesque addition to the head of the valley. The bridge god is quite content to live under the bridge and is equally happy to share the space with the river god who could live anywhere but likes the feeling of enclosed shelter the bridge provides.

There is no animosity between the two gods who as well as sharing the same space under the bridge also share the same community of worshippers, the descendants of the good folk who built the bridge.

The gods that live under the bridge have a limited set of responsibilities. The god of the bridge is solely responsible for the safe passage of people and animals across the bridge. The god of the river has a wider though similar set of duties. He looks after the wellbeing of the river, the animals and fish that live in and around the river plus to a certain extent the fertility of the meadows either side of the river. This duty to maintain fertility is shared with the rain god and the sun god who are mutually exclusive and do not talk to each other.

The river god is not always a nice guy and has been known to flood the village causing distress to its inhabitants but these occasions are rare and quickly disappear from the communal memory. Most of the time he is a good god.

The villagers have many other gods that they worship. We will from time to time take a look at these other gods so that over a period of years Philosopherontap will become a useful resource for those needing to know about the gods of various places. Although some gods have names the river god and the bridge god are not in their number.

The god of bowling is called Dave

Thursday, February 21st, 2013

There is nothing else to say on this subject. Dave looks down from his place above ten pin bowling alleys everywhere and decides on the outcome of an individual ball.

There are times when you think a ball is a sure fire strike but Dave thinks differently and leaves the two end pins upright. It is impossible to then knock over both pins with the second ball unless your name is Fred Flintstone.

If Dave doesn’t like you your balls are destined for the gutter that runs alongside the very slippery main bit that you’re meant to roll them down.

It is possible to partly defy Dave by using the rails that stop the ball from going off the main slippery bit. However this does come at a price as people that use the rails are considered to be real woosses unless they are under the age of five.

Dave is never very impressed if you score less than a hundred although quite frankly who cares. Anyone who is good at ten pin bowling has to be in need of a life and probably has all the gear including a special bag for their own bowling ball and a tailored bowling shirt.

Dave can shove off.

The rules of Shuttleswap.

Thursday, February 21st, 2013

The basic game shall consist of two players sat side by side. Each player shall have a badminton racket and one shuttlecock between them.

The rackets are held out in front of the players with a flat surface facing upwards. One player has the shuttlecock on his racket with the rubbery bit that you hit facing upwards. That player attempts to flick the shuttlecock onto the racket of his opponent.

Should the shuttlecock bounce on the neighbouring racket but not stay on then a single point is earned. A shuttlecock that stays on the opponents racket earns five points.

The game is played for a predetermined time agreed between the players with the winner being the person with most points at the end of that time.

There are no other rules though these may appear as the game evolves and matures.

Ingrediunts for chickkin caserole

Saturday, June 16th, 2012

Chikkin
Uniuns
Chikkin stok pot
Tind tomatos
Beycun
Mushrumes
Pepur
Potatos
Ingrediunt X
Lotsa lurve

where have all the flowers gone?

Thursday, November 18th, 2010

poppy3a

Dave Cameron’s familiar cabinet

Friday, May 14th, 2010

David (Dave) Cameron
Nick Clegg
William (Bill) Hague
George (George) Osborne
Vince (Vinny) Cable
Liam (Foxy) Fox
Andrew (Andy) Lansley
Chris Huhne
Ken (Kenny) Clarke
Theresa (Tree) May
Michael (Mike) Gove
David (Dave) Laws
Danny (Boy) Alexander
Eric (Ricky) Pickles
Jeremy (Jezzer) Hunt
Iain (Ee) Duncan Smith
Baroness (Baz) Warsi

Rainfall measurement techniques #1

Saturday, May 1st, 2010
  1. hold spectacles horizontally at arm’s length, front of lenses pointing upwards
  2. remember where the door is (this bit is to a large extent dependent on your prescription strength)
  3. open door and quickly thrust arm out as far as you can reach – note no upward sweeping movements of arm
  4. have independent timekeeper count to five seconds – recommend the one thousand and one, one thousand and two etc method
  5. outstretched arm must be free of all interference – ensure no collateral precipitation occurs from guttering, pub sign above door etc. artificial drips play havoc with the measurements and lessen the accuracy of  results.  if (more…)

Attend your own wake

Friday, February 5th, 2010

Don’t wait until you can’t attend the party. How many times are there when you get all your old mates together in the same room? Probably not since your wedding. Well now’s the chance. Don’t wait until you are dead. Conduct your own wake now. Chose the music, what you want to say about yourself, the venue!

Only problem is that if people know you aren’t actually dead will they come to the wake? Avoid the embarrassment of finding out who your real friends are by suggesting they have their own wake at the same time. That way they will definitely want to come.